Ok, So I'm A Dork

Yes kids, when you were born, we all signed a contract, and agreed to adhere to a strict code of conduct. And now, at great risk to myself, I’ve decided to bend the rules on the Dorky Dad code of secrecy and share this document with you! 

International Society of Fatherhood
Dedicated Dorky Dad Document

I, _________________, parent of __________________, do solemnly vow that I will humiliate my offspring every time I get the chance. I will achieve this goal by finding every way I can to be a certifiably uncool idiot, moron, doofus, fool, buffoon, clod, clown, and/or dork.

To accomplish this I will:

1. Dress in things my child would never wear. For example, an ensemble consisting of flip-flops, khaki Dockers, a purple Disney World T-Shirt and a green derby with “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” on it should pretty much guarantee deep and permanent emotional scarring.

2. Dress in things my child would be willing to wear. Sagging super-big pants (in my case, super super big) and a No Doubt T-shirt can be powerful trauma-inducing tools.

3. Don’t dress at all. Yikes.

4. Use pet names or otherwise show affection for my offspring in public. The word “Honey” used to address a fifteen-year-old boy is a guarantee of at least a decade of psychiatric treatment in the years to come.

5. Drive a "nerdmobile." This would be any car other than the one my kid's best friend's dad, who also owns a condo in Maui, drives.

6. Make it my business to know every item or brand name that kids think is desirable, then buy just the opposite. The ultimate insult would be to buy a teenager clothing or shoes from the dollar store with brand names like “Abercrumby” or “No Balance.”

7. Greet my daughter’s dates with lines like, “I collect guns and shovels. Guess which one I’ll use first if you bring my daughter home late?”

8. Attempt to learn about all the things that interest my offspring, then being sure to get it just a little bit wrong. For example, if they’re into extreme sports, I will tell all their friends that I really admire Tony Hawkeye.

9. Walk up to my child standing with a group of his or her friends and say something like, "What-up, Dawg?" Believe me, talking “street” sounds even dumber when I do it than it does when they do it. 

I further attest and affirm that I will document any new developments in the field of fatherly dorkitude, and that I will share these developments with all other members of the International Society of Fatherhood.

Signed: ______________________    Date: ________

Witnessed: ___________________   Date: ________

So there you have it, kids. The secret of your father’s dorkiness is out. Just do me a favor and don’t tell anybody where you heard about it.


Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball